Binged and purged March 8th, 9th, & 10th.
Binged and purged March 8th, 9th, & 10th.
I got through the whole day without bingeing and purging.
Reason being, I've been with people all day.
Probably ate about 800 calories and had wine as well.
This was really good for me to go though a day without bingeing and purging, regardless of the reason.
Perhaps I should try to surround myself a little more.
I'm bingeing and purging again. Alot.
Alright, I knew what happened yesterday wasn't going to last long (no binge/purge), but today was definitely better. I only binged/purged 3 times. This is a significant improvement from 15+ times. Perhaps the biggest difference was because I was motivated to get out of the house. I was at the coffee shop for a majority of the evening, and then my buddy Jacob (who works there and always hangs out with me there) and I went out to eat again around 8pm. Same place as 2 nights ago when I had my major scare. I was smarter in my selections from the salad/junk food bar, choosing easy to purge items and not waiting until I was full full to purge; just when I was about full. 3 easy purges (I count the restaurant as one binge/purge).
As a side note, I'm really grateful to be able to purge hands free. I don't post very much in online communities, but I read in them a lot, and it seems that most girls can't do it. I feel really lucky. My cousin can do it too, and has been able to for years. I just started being able to do it a month ago.
After I got home, I binged on cottage cheese mixed with blueberry preserves and maple syrup. Yeah...the fridge is kind of empty. The 3rd binge/purge was earlier in the day around 3pm. I binged on a grapefruit, 8 poached eggs, and a whole container (2 cups) of pineapple cottage cheese. Purged.
Anyways, bottom line is, I'm making progress. My major goal right now is to not binge and purge all day in one day. I think I can avoid this by getting out of the house and keeping myself busy. Even if I can't think of anything i want to do, just get out and go to the coffee shop and spend a few hours on the Macbook. I always have work to do on there and I enjoy being at the coffee shop.
Today I got through the whole day without bingeing and purging. Since last night's scare at the restaurant, I've been scared to put food in my stomach. I ate 2 eggs for breakfast, and then force fed myself 100 calories of soup tonight. I sincerely didn't want to do it. But I made the soup anyways.
I really just can't believe this. 30 days strait of purging 15-20 times a day. And then a scare like last night can change all of that. Nothing today. Didn't want to binge. Didn't want anything.
I really hope it lasts. I want so badly to be who I was before bingeing and purging took over my love for restricting.
We'll see about tomorrow.
I have been bingeing and purging constantly for weeks now. What??? Yes. 15-20 times a day.
I had a real scare tonight when I went out to eat with my buddy Jacob. He knows that I purge everything. After we ate and I went to the bathroom to purge, and came back, my body started shaking because I felt like I was so cold. I kept asking him "is it cold in here??" I had two hoodies on. "Not at all" he kept saying. My breaths were getting short and I began to panic, which made my breathing worse. Shivering so much made it scarier. I kept thinking "I don't want to die".
This has to stop, which is why I am promising myself on here right now, that tonight marks the end of this phase of my life. 3 years of restricting and I've never done anything like this, day after day. I feel that restricting is safer on my body than bingeing and purging 15 times a day.
Tomorrow morning I will have 2 poached eggs for breakfast, and then write out a plan for my restricting.
Tomorrow is going to be a great day.
Just wanted to post this before I forget.
The second week of February, I weighed in at 121.5. I was in Springfield for 2.5 weeks. While I was there I couldn't weigh myself at all, but at some point while I was there, I reached and surpassed my short term goal of 124.
Weight loss so far = 32.5 pounds.
Long term goal is still 118. I'm so close!
Well, I haven't posted in 7 months. Just here to share a thought with myself.
I believe I've finally come to the realization that I will NEVER EVER be able to change my life-style and be sugar-free and have the perfect diet...no matter what. EVERY TIME I screw up. I need to be okay with this. I need to understand that it's just not something I'm capable of accomplishing.
On a side note, I just got home from tour and weighed in at 125. This is the lowest I've ever been. 2 and a half years ago, I was 154. I always loose a bunch of weight on tour. Usually I just eat an apple during the day and a side salad for dinner. and decaf all day while driving. a few cigarettes too. I don't smoke when im at home...but for some reason i always smoke when im on tour. i think it's because of the long drives.
On another side note, I've been bingeing and purging since the day I got home from tour, and do not currently have the courage to weigh myself.
I feel like my metabolism is really slowing down. Eating 400-600 calories a day is just not good for me. I have a good head on my shoulders, and I'm smart enough to know that I need to eat a little more to keep my metabolism going. I also have been getting very depressed because of my lack of nutrients/calories.
I've spent the past few days googling all the negative calorie foods. I think a lot of it is just pure crap. I KNOW celery does burn more calories to digest than it contains, but the sites were listing an apple as a negative calorie food. There is no way that it is true. Regardless, I am going to be eating mostly negative calorie fruits and vegetables...and eggs for breakfast.
I'm going to do 6 days of 1,000 calories a day, and one day a week I am going to do 200 calories.
Hopefully this will help with my depression. I could also be depressed because my caffeine withdrawals are still hanging around. It has been 12 days since I've had caffeine.
Poached egg 60
Bite of banana 20
4 egg whites & 2 almonds 90
Tomato juice 50
Sugar snap peas 60
Peeled apple 60
Green beans 70
Rice cake 40